"the sudden urge to cry"
I didn't really realise I had a problem with asking for help until a random day during lockdown. I was surprised with the sudden urge to cry after engaging in two consecutive phone calls where I had been given help without asking.
Surely, it was a good thing to feel slightly overwhelmed, grateful and tearful at something positive. However, this felt different. There was a darkness alongside this happiness.
I realised that even if I really needed help. Unless it was my immediate family, I tended to avoid asking or not even think of asking for help. It's funny because this might come as a bit of a shock to my friends as I am always the one advocating for asking…
“if you don’t ask you don’t get”
I would always say, and they would probably describe me as a bit of an opportunist. But what I realised is, I didn't have a problem asking for things. I had a problem asking for help. Things were different. And so were strangers.
Strangers I could ask for help no problem. But the identity I had formed for myself amongst the people that knew me was heavily dependent on me being the one that everyone else went to for help. On me being the strong one that could handle anything and take life's trials and tribulations on the chin at any given moment.
But it left me thinking. How do you learn to get more comfortable asking for help? How do you learn to ask? How do you ask without feeling like your entire identity is being compromised? Without your defence mechanisms kicking in, your walls going up and you blurting out a demand rather than a genuine request for help!
I decided to take the plunge and work it out. Because after all, as a therapist, I can only take my clients as far as I am willing to go myself. So if there is a block in my life, I need to unblock it. For my sake, and for the sake of my clients.
What I found out from my journey is this:
"asking really isn't easy"
When you have a difficult relationship with asking for help, asking really isn't easy.
You have to learn to recognise the signs that you need help and recognise opportunities where help could be an asset to where you are and what you are doing.
One of the hardest things I found was actually getting my mouth to move in the shapes it needed, while the words were forming in my head so they could come out. I kid you not. In the beginning, I was a rambling mess every time I asked for help. Or tried to!
A simple request for assistance would turn into a 5 minute voice note, more of an apology than anything else, ensuring the person was incredibly clear that they didn’t have to help if they didn’t want to! Anxiety had me over-explaining, due to the threat that I would not be believed that I needed help or that I would be denied the request. It was shocking!
"I needed to feel safe"
The other thing I found was that It was SO important that the right people were asked. People that were likely to say yes. Afterall, I knew I needed to feel safe and I already had my anxiety monster trying to convince me to engage in whatever safety seeking behaviour it felt was necessary, I didn't need any more ammunition for it.
"old habits die hard"
I also learned that it's a seemingly never ending journey and old habits die hard. Asking for help because you need to rather than want to is tough. And then when you get difficult responses in return, it's like it flushes all your previous hard work down the toilet, your walls go up and you have to start all over again! Which is a source of frustration in itself.
The key is, to remind yourself that you are on a journey and the end is somewhere you really want to be, so “don’t let other people's rudeness or them being difficult stop you from being that person” because in the end, it's you that will suffer at the hands of that.
"It doesn’t mean you are not good enough"
People will say no or say they can’t and you might just find that there's a stroppy younger version of yourself that REALLY hates this! They (your younger self) are also going to need a talking to as part of this process. That younger part of yourself needs to be constantly reminded that people are well within their rights to not help, and that is okay. It doesn’t mean you are not good enough or don’t mean anything to you. It simply means they don’t want to do that thing, just as you don’t want to do things sometimes or that they can't.
It's also useful to note that, even if you can see a way where they can help, they may not have the mental and physical capacity needed to be able to. People's ability to help, just like their reactions and responses are a great indicator of who they are and where they are at mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually.
Now, let’s be real, their unwillingness to help could also be an indicator of who you are, and the relationship that is co-created between you and if this is the case, then a conversation about your relationship could really go a long way!
"consider alternatives"
But where does that leave you when you really need help and it seems like there is no one available to support that? Well, I guess there are a couple of things. You could consider alternatives to the help you asked for. For example, changing the request to a smaller ask or looking at the situation and seeing what parts you are able to manage by yourself and what parts you might not be able to.
Another way is seeing if there are services out there that might offer the support you need. And in line with this, using online resources such as communities or apps and websites to help with things they might be able to.
"emotional regulation"
But I guess the biggest part is emotional regulation. How do you regulate that part of you that feels rejected, not good enough and is potentially spiralling out of control?
Well, grounding techniques are great here, for example the 5,4,3,2,1 method, taking a walk out in nature or holding your hand on your heart. I have a mass of grounding techniques in my toolkit so if those don’t work for you, leave me a comment below and I can share some others with you.
"self-talk"
The other important part of emotional regulation is self-talk. Consider the thoughts that are running through your mind both before you have asked for help and after - especially if the outcome is not quite what you were hoping for. Notice any thoughts that are based around the core belief that you are unloveable, unwanted or not good enough. Those core beliefs are always looking for evidence to prove themselves right and let’s be real, we don’t want them to be thinking that - do we?
No!
"challenge those core beliefs"
So learning to challenge those core beliefs is paramount, as well as reframing them, bringing in some self compassion and replacing those thoughts with other more balanced thoughts. But most of all, practising this process so that it integrates into your normal way of being to help this change stick.
One step further than that is the process of learning to sit with your feelings. How? Let's take a look:
Become aware of your feelings/emotions
Name what emotion you a feeling
Accept the emotion is there and reassure yourself that it's okay to feel that way
Get curious about the emotion - Why is it here? What is it trying to tell me?
Allow the feeling to release - let it out, scream, shout, shake if you need to - this is all ok!
If you need further help with this process, I have a workbook that guides you through identifying and getting to know your emotional responses. You can access it here
I think that's all from me for now. If you take away anything from reading this post, make sure you take away this:
Understand when you need help
Be clear about what help you need
Learn how to ask for help
Learn who to ask for help
Understand that it’s okay for someone not to have the capacity to help
Understand that its okay for someone to not want to help
Learn to comfort yourself in situations where you have not received help when you needed it
Know where else to go for help
If you have any thoughts or comments, drop them below and let’s all get more comfortable asking for help!
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